May trip in 2009

This trip is out of my mind, didn't really think going in May, but yes~ i need a trip to clear my mind, but going there only lost my self more and more and thinking of him more. really making me up sad...

From Tuesday night flying to my friend kampung already making my eye red again and don't know why, just know i feel sad and feel alone again. why i have that kind of stupid feeling about him, and why is him, why not another guy.
Going Pulau Perhentian is my friends ideal and telling me get out of the work. Is been very very long time didn't really have a clear look what i have, what i have in me. sea side always make me more relax, I'm not a nature girl i truly admirable that all the people they can sleep every where. but i can't. toilet is out side, no light, not hot water. no TV i still can leave with it, but toilet... is my really really nightmare. making business in the morning and the so call 'little' animal' just crowing in frond of you. i think you will sure stone there and willing to cry, because i am... and when you having shower, the lizard are looking at you from the top and is not a 'little' one. is really dam scary. night time still cold when not air corn or fan, because is in the island. sea side, wind, and trees..there is already making you having a good fresh air.
night bar at there is a really good relax place for chatting, just sit there and looking at the sky, the star will making you smile, and having fun with all the people there. but drinking part, please do drink beer there.
Going in the deep blue sea to watch the shark and sea turtle is the best think i have in this short trip. just that few moment is already make clear view what ever i need to face when coming back. allot of colourful fish that we normally see in TV or magazine too.

But is end. Is very fast.., my trip has over again. will go again some day. but yes~ am enjoy my self, but coming back to KL, i think I'm making my heart pain again. he's not there, and when waiting time, i know when i wait longer will still the same. yes~ i still like him so much, don't ask me why, i really don't know why. just know is him. from coming back KL and trying going out with another guy just to clear it out the feeling. and yes. is still him the one I'm thinking off, but is hurting me when he is not reply my sms or msn, and abit making me feel cheap. don't dare to call him, scare will more making him run away. but i think i know what to do. you want friend. then friend. just that... friends.

and i'm alone again.

Mistake

Mistake again~
Can’t be a pig for last few week, or maybe more, didn’t count it but I know more then 3 week. Maybe the work, maybe starting getting old can’t sleep, or maybe thinking him too much, hhmm…..not a good think.

This coming Tuesday will be going a short trip with few friends in Pulau Perhentian, few nice close friends. I know will be havoc trip since they already told who is going and think will happen, not a big deal, just for me I’m thinking going there to clear my mind and think of what will I do when I coming back and face what I need to face. I can say I’m not strong in relationship, I don’t know how to act, how to feel and how to really know what he want, I don’t know how to talk that’s why I think I hurt his feeling from the payment that second date (for me) that my friends told me no suppose to say and act like that. Hey...Sorry~… :( really. I know how blur I am, what came in to my mind will just shoot out from my mouth, that why I’m still learning, ‘how to talk’. I didn’t have that much EX like you!! So I can’t learn much stuff like you.

When I did some think wrong I always look in to my hands, am I done the wrong think again? Yes. I think I did it again, from few weeks past not suppose to talk with boss what I want from her, and not suppose to talk out how I feel for him. Talk always is easy, but doing it out will be another stuff ‘are you sure you doing it the right way’?

Listen to collide, nothing else matters all this song, feel the way I feel about him now. All I think about is him, walking around is looking his stuff, looking the clock rocking is saying about his name. I’m in deep shit. Yes I am. Never know I will feel for a person that deep. I never tell any one that. OK...just 3 good friends of my. Day go by I’m thinking him more and more, smile from my face when thinking of him, day go by when I know I’m happy I found him. But I know I need to give him some time to think. Maybe some day we will be together, or maybe not. Am looking at my hand again and saying is up to him, is damm.. hurt
The story I need to tell him, the word I need him to know. Is clear. Like I say, am not smart in this stuff. So don’t tall me how to act like normal girl suppose to say and wait for you to say. I just telling out what I feel and that is already making my eye red...hey...i still a girl. From a girl view, I still got the shy part and feel lost. And I’m NOT YOUR EX!!!
And…I am telling you now. I’m ready to love somebody, somebody I hope is you. 16th May 2009 Saturday, my fly will reach at 9am…I think. And I hope to see you. If not, I know what to do. Hurt me, but don’t hurt me long. So I know I need to let go.